After burying our daughter, we had a road ahead of us that consisted of ups and downs and twists and turns. The days that followed the funeral were the hardest. The first thing that happened was my milk came in. I felt this was such a cruel reminder of what had just happened. I had enjoyed breastfeeding Garrett so much and to know that my milk was available to a baby that would never taste it broke my heart. Although everyone's hugs were so welcomed, as they pressed their body to mine, it hurt me more than just physically. After all the business of planning the funeral and well wishers slowed down the reality of it all set in. I wasn't sure how to go forward when my mind was set to go down a different path than the path I now walked. I tried in many different ways to distract myself from the sorrow and grief that was constantly knocking at my door. I could only sleep if I had successfully drained myself that day to a point of complete exhaustion that I could fall into bed without allowing my thoughts any time to take over. I would often stay up until the late hours of the night and sometimes morning working on a scrapbook for DeLanee. This took me several months to complete which was such a blessing. I was so grateful to have so many pictures to work with. I also was very blessed to have a job at the time that allowed me to bring my son. Before, I had primarily been a stay at home mom. I think if I had not had the opportunity to get out of the house and turn my focus to something else, it would have been much harder. I returned to work within a couple of weeks for this reason.
Although when I did begin to leave the house that meant I now had to learn how to "deal" in public. There are quite a few instances I remember that I handled terribly. On one occasion I ran into an acquaintance in Wal-Mart as I was getting some Valentine's Day candy for Garrett. She had her baby around the same time I had DeLanee. When I saw her little boy I made a comment like "you got your's huh?" That poor woman. I'm sure she didn't even know what to say. Another time my mother picked me up at work to take me to lunch. I couldn't even begin to make it through my sub sandwich without everyone else staring at us and wondering why on earth I was sobbing so hard. I also remember going to the park, the grocery store, or restaraunt and seeing women with a blanket over their shoulder breastfeeding, or, holding their newborns and I'd just want to blurt out everything about my baby and how I'd just lost her to all of them. Answering the question of "how many children do you have" was another detail I had to learn.
These challenges were not met with much support though. During the pregnancy and especially after DeLanee's death, the spirit that was in our home was heightened to a level that I believe will never again be matched. It is impossible to put into words the feeling that resided with us. Whether we were feeling the prayers and love from those around us, ministering angels watching over us, or, both, the spirit was so incredibly strong and carried us through many, many hard days. In fact, I remember when that overwhelming feeling left. It came a couple of months after and it was as if it was saying "you can do this alone now". When I realized this, I wanted to beg and plead with my Father in Heaven to not let it leave. I wasn't ready to do this on my own!
I had a particularly hard day when this happened. I was consumed in the reality of my situation and was literally falling apart. I felt as if I had burdened my close friends, mother and sister enough and that I DID need to learn to handle this on my own. It was then that I said a prayer that something, or, someone would lift the heavy feeling I had that would allow me go on. It wasn’t 10 minutes later that a sister from our ward knocked on my door and stopped by to see how I was doing. She stayed for about an hour and we chatted as our boys played. Her prompting to listen to the spirit saved me that day. I was so thankful that she was in tune with and took time to listen to the spirit. There is a scripture in D&C 84:88 that says: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” This sister was my angel that day. It was through her that my Heavenly Father was gently urging me on and telling me "yes, you can do this on your own".
As we were learning to deal with our new circumstances, I noticed the "sweetness" that Tommy and I's relationship began to take on. The weeks and months following her death we were inseperable and we clung to each other. There was but only one person on this earth who knew EXACTLY what each of us were going through and that was each other. There were times that when I was falling apart he would come to my rescue and vice versa. Our marriage had not only adapted but had taken on a sweeter and deeper love because of what we were experiencing. What a blessing this was to us!
It was also during this time that the spirit talked to me several times regarding the passing of our daughter. It was confirmed to me that not only was she happy and doing what she was supposed to be doing, but she was called home to be a missionary to much of our family who had not yet had the opportunity to receive the gospel. Tommy is the first in his family to be baptized and receive the blessings of the temple. Garrett was the first of his posterity to born into the covenant. There is not a doubt in my mind that this is what keeps our DeLanee busy. I also received confirmation that there were many reasons for DeLanee's passing and that we would have the opportunity to learn of them in the years to come.
Day by day and week by week the "normalcy" began to return to our lives. We were so thankful for the blessings that came to us during this particularly hard time - sent to us by our Father in Heaven. Our knowledge of the plan of salvation and the blessings of the temple that we have a forever family and that we'll be reunited again someday is what carried us through then and what continues to carry us through now. We are so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that created this plan and for his Son that makes this possible.
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"Girl" Bereavement Boxes
DeLanee's Non-Profit Organization
Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shall weep for the loss of them that die
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How we Honor and Remember our Daughter
"Girl" Bereavement Boxes
Want to Help?
If you would like to help with the Bereavement Boxes that are donated in honor of DeLanee to Banner Desert Medical Center, please refer to the list of items needed below, or, contact me for actual dates that we assemble the boxes for delivery. We love to have extra help and meet new people as we give service to those experiencing this loss. If you live in another area or state and would like tips on getting this project started, or have any other questions or comments, please contact me at: beckysnorris@hotmail.com
Donations requested by Banner Desert Medical Center for Bereavement Boxes:
- "Forget Me Not" Seed Packets
- Blank CDs for copying
- Disposable Cameras
- Hard Tack Candy
- Journals
- Memorex CD Label Refills
- Mini Kleenex Packets
- Mini photo books (brag books)
- Monetary Donations for supplies for boxes
- Pens
Blog Archive
What Gives Me Knowledge, Strength and Inspiration:
"The Sweetest Angel"
There in the Ivory Palaces the sweetest angel stood.
Her dark hair hung long and fair, her smile was kind and good.
“Dear sister,” she said, in a sweet, soft voice, “My task on earth I know, I’m to go as a child and remain as a child, to test the hearts below.
“Will you give me birth, and cherish me, and do what mothers do? And care for me through joy and tears, ‘til my work on earth is through?” The sister sadly turned away, “Please ask another, dear. Our family circle is quite complete, one more we could not bear”
“Sister, dear sister, may I come to you? Do you have room for me in your heart?” But that sister turned quickly away again, and the tears began to start. “I could not bear the sorrow you’d bring,” she said, in a whispered way. “There’s so much sorrow to a handicapped child,” and she sadly turned away.
“Dear sister, kind sister, please stop a bit, and tell me if you could bear to have me come to your home to stay, your circle of love to share?” The sweetest angel stood trembling then and wondered with a troubled soul, was there a family anywhere who would help her reach her goal?
And so she went from one to another, trying to find herself a mother. “Dear sister,” she cried to one drawing near, surrounded by a laughing throng, “would you let me come and join with you? I may not stay too long”
The mother’s arms were open wide, and with a smiling face,
She gathered the sweetest angel up, into a close embrace.
“Of course you may come to us,” she said, and she kissed the tear-streaked face. This one will be your brother on earth, come, dear, you have found your place.”
So, out of the Ivory Palace the sweetest angel came,
to dwell with her earthly family here, to claim a place and a name. “Oh, DeLanee, dear, we love you so, for our Savior said it should be: Inasmuch as ye loved the least of these, ye have shown your love to me.”
Her dark hair hung long and fair, her smile was kind and good.
“Dear sister,” she said, in a sweet, soft voice, “My task on earth I know, I’m to go as a child and remain as a child, to test the hearts below.
“Will you give me birth, and cherish me, and do what mothers do? And care for me through joy and tears, ‘til my work on earth is through?” The sister sadly turned away, “Please ask another, dear. Our family circle is quite complete, one more we could not bear”
“Sister, dear sister, may I come to you? Do you have room for me in your heart?” But that sister turned quickly away again, and the tears began to start. “I could not bear the sorrow you’d bring,” she said, in a whispered way. “There’s so much sorrow to a handicapped child,” and she sadly turned away.
“Dear sister, kind sister, please stop a bit, and tell me if you could bear to have me come to your home to stay, your circle of love to share?” The sweetest angel stood trembling then and wondered with a troubled soul, was there a family anywhere who would help her reach her goal?
And so she went from one to another, trying to find herself a mother. “Dear sister,” she cried to one drawing near, surrounded by a laughing throng, “would you let me come and join with you? I may not stay too long”
The mother’s arms were open wide, and with a smiling face,
She gathered the sweetest angel up, into a close embrace.
“Of course you may come to us,” she said, and she kissed the tear-streaked face. This one will be your brother on earth, come, dear, you have found your place.”
So, out of the Ivory Palace the sweetest angel came,
to dwell with her earthly family here, to claim a place and a name. “Oh, DeLanee, dear, we love you so, for our Savior said it should be: Inasmuch as ye loved the least of these, ye have shown your love to me.”
DeLanee's Songs
1 comment:
You don't know me, but I stumbled upon your blog while researching bereavement boxes. I just recently delivered at Banner Desert and lost my son after only 1 hour and 12 minutes. It's been a struggle to go on every day, but I too have the gospel keeping me moving forward. Thank you for sharing your most intimate thoughts on your blog! There aren't many people in the world who can understand all the emotions that the loss of a child brings, so I found your blog to be extremely comforting. Thank you!
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