DeLanee's Story (the spiritual side)

There are definitely two sides to this story. The doctor's point of view and then our Heavenly Father's point of view. We had so many spiritual experiences during our time with DeLanee to which our testimonies were strengthened so much. I feel it is important to try to remember them so that they don't get forgotten as the years pass by. I will try my best to remember and write them here.

My first spiritual experience concerning DeLanee happened the day we found out everything that was wrong with her in our level II ultrasound. I came home feeling so terrible that evening. I had just come from a place where I was feeling the highest of highs having been told we were having a healthy little girl. I know that anyone that has been pregnant can relate with the feelings of this. You feel such hope and anticipation with the promise of new life. It is just so wonderful and as if everything is right with the world. And then to have those feelings replaced with feelings of frustration, sorrow, anguish and even anger is overwhelming. I had just learned that the chance of my daughter surviving were next to impossible and because of this I felt like my heart was actually breaking. I had never felt such intense feelings before. I believe this was the darkest moment of my life. I didn't know how I could go on - let alone deal with what was to come. It was then that my phone rang. My Husband brought me the phone and told me it was Sister Wilkins. She was the Compassionate Service Leader in our ward. When I answered she told me that she wasn't sure why she was calling except that the Relief Society President had felt inspired to call her and tell her to call me. She didn't know of our news yet - there was no way for her to know. I told her what we had found out that day and when we hung up I knew my Heavenly Father was aware of me. I felt as though he was speaking to me through her and telling me he would not abandon me during this time in my life. In Isiah 53: 4-5, it reads: “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: … And with his stripes we are healed”. That night I felt his arms encircle me with his love.

The next few months I prayed often. I am so thankful for prayer. I know that Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers. I had heard someone say that if we’re complaining about our trials because the sorrow is too great and more than we can bear, that perhaps we are standing or sitting rather than kneeling and asking God for strength. So this is what I did. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to endure this trial alone and I prayed that he would strengthen me where I lacked, but I also prayed to know his will for my daughter. So, although we were in and out of hospitals and specialists every week wanting to learn as much as we could about the problems that she had, my greatest enlightment came through answers to my prayers from my Heavenly Father. The doctors thought she would pass away in me fairly quickly. Through answers to my prayers, I knew that wouldn't be the case. But I also knew I wasn’t going to get to watch my daughter grow and develop into a young woman either. The next few months I felt as if I was working hand-in-hand with him as we developed her tiny body.

As we got closer to the end, we had a special family fast and prayer. That was on a Sunday. That night, I knew that the time was soon that she would be born and we would have to say goodbye. So the next day, I got everything at my house in order as much as I could and it was the following day she was born. That day we went to the doctors and they could she was dying inside me, so they advised us to deliver her. We had had several months to prepare for this, but when the moment arrived, at first I was so scared and felt overwhelming sadness. My Husband and I said a prayer and asked for strength and comfort. Those feelings continued with me until they laid me down on the operating table. I wish I could explain the feelings of peacefulness that came over me as they began the surgery. The spirit was so strong and I wasn’t afraid at all. I knew my time would be short with her, but Heavenly Father was giving us the gift to hold her while she was alive and feel of her sweet spirit. That evening in the hospital was so incredibly special with her. As soon as she was born my Husband and Father gave her a name and a blessing and then she was placed in our arms where we had the chance to bath her, dress her and hold her until she passed away in our arms 3 ½ hours later. Many people in our family had the chance to hold her and feel of her spirit before she died.

I know that DeLanee's passing was part of a plan. I believe that she and I and Tommy chose this in the preexistence. I don’t know all the reasons why this happened, but I believe if I could remove the veil between mortal life and premortal life, I would see the whole picture. Before we found out everything that was wrong with DeLanee, I was a happy mother anticipating the birth of another baby. Now, I am something more, a different person. I believe I have a deeper faith in and love for my Father in Heaven. I feel that my soul has been tried by the refiner’s fire and emerged more purified. I know that my Faith was built upon a rock and was not whisked away in the strength of the storm. I have watched my Husband, son, parents, siblings, friends all grow from this experience and deepen their conviction in the gospel. I know I will see DeLanee again if I can live faithfully for her to be placed back in my arms on resurrection morning. I am so grateful to a loving Father in Heaven who has created this wonderful plan. I pray that I can live faithfully to receive the blessings he has promised.