5 Years - Happy Birthday!

The first thing I thought of this morning when I woke up, was how I felt waking up 5 years ago today. My mind always replays everything that happened on Delanee's birthday each year. When I opened my eyes on the morning of the 28th, the first thing I saw was my daughter laying beside my bed in her tiny hospital baby bed. I was laying on my side facing her and I remember staring at her little profile. I mostly remember her cute little nose. Everyone had left and Tommy was sleeping in the chair next to me. The room was so quiet and as I remembered everything that had happened the night before it almost felt like the events that took place were a dream. Everything happened so fast and although I felt like we did all that we could do to make as many memories with her in the short time we had. . .I wanted more. I was so tired but I knew that soon they would want to move her and do an autopsy so, although she had already passed away, I wanted to stare at her for as long as possible. When Tommy woke up, he took her and held her and then handed her to me to hold again. It felt different than the night before. She was so cold and although I knew I was holding my little girl, I knew she wasn't there. Her spirit may have been there in our room, but it wasn't in her body as it was the night before.

We only had a little bit of quiet time that morning with just Tommy and I before the visitors began to come. I remember my brother Jason getting there pretty early. We weren't able to get a hold of him the night before and although we left him a message, he didn't get it in time. He was my only sibling to not be at her delivery. I felt bad that he didn't get to come. After getting my message he came first thing on the 28th. Soon after that the Relief Society came and the planning of her funeral arrangements began.

I thought of DeLanee all day yesterday. Although her birthday is on the 28th, the 27th was the day that all of the events unfolded. She was born at 12:58 on the 28th, but the 27th is the day I remember more. It was a Tuesday - just like yesterday. I had a doctor's appointment - just like yesterday. They sent me to the hospital after my appointment for my first round of steroid shots. DeLanee had made it so far that they thought "just maybe". But after I received that first shot, they hooked me up to the monitor and saw that she was slipping away. After the nurse told the doctor, he came in and quietly closed the door behind him. He began to tell us that our daughter was showing signs of deterioration and that we needed to deliver soon if we wanted to have any time with her while she was alive. He was the only doctor with Phoenix Perinatal Associates that shared our same faith (LDS) and he happened to be the one who was on call that day at Banner Desert. He then told us that he knew that we were LDS and that if it were his wife carrying this baby that he knew they would want a quick delivery to be able to have the opportunity to give her a name and a blessing before she passed. The delivery nurse that was by my side that evening was also LDS and because she understood our desires, was able to help us in ways that another couldn't. It was so comforting to me to know that nearly everyone in that surgery room shared my same faith, had not only the medical knowledge necessary to look out for our best interests, but knowledge of the gospel as well. Looking back on that day, I absolutely know that my Heavenly Father was blessing me. He must have known how badly I wanted to hold her and see her while she was alive. They worked quickly to get her here and were so sensitive to our desires. I will eternally be grateful that I had the time I did with her.

Thinking of DeLanee turning 5 makes me wonder what other things she would be doing throughout this year. She would start kindergarten this year. What kind of student would she be? Would her favorite color be pink like most other little girls? What kind of theme for her birthday party would she choose? Maybe I wouldn't have had Taryn so quickly, but because I can't imagine life without Taryn, I also imagine how close her sister and her would be. They would probably be sharing a room together along with a lot of other things. Would they share the same interests, or, have totally different interests? Recently when we attended Taryn's first dance recital I was caught off guard when they opened the curtain and while everyone else in that room was clapping and giggling over the cute things they were doing I was feeling tears. Seeing Taryn standing there for whatever reason made my thoughts immediately turn to DeLanee and the realization of another thing we wouldn't do with her. What I would give to watch her dance on stage! Maybe she wouldn't want to dance and would rather play t-ball? Would she like horses as much as me and her sister?

Although I wish so badly to be able to see her do all these things and know her better, I feel very blessed to know that I WILL get to do these things with her someday. Not every mom has a little spirit waiting to be raised by them in Heaven. I look forward to that day and imagine how great that will be. No pregnacy, no delivery - just a baby placed back into my arms to love and raise. I am not perfect, but I strive every day to live worthily of this. The only thing worse than losing her 5 years ago would be to lose her again and watch another Mother (more worthy than I) get to raise my sweet daughter. I know I have a loving Heavenly Father that is gracious and kind, but I cannot help but feel pressure over the things I do (or not do) in my life that may effect this promise. In fact, I try not to dwell too much on this, because if I do I can also begin to think of how impossible it is for me to live up to the expectations I feel are necessary to be able to do this.

We'll go to her grave today. I actually haven't been there since July. It's usually the one time out of the year that we'll ALL go together - even Grandma and Grandpa come and share a cupcake with us. Usually if I go, it's just me, or, I may have one kid with me. It's nice to have everyone there and sit down on the grass and have our own little celebration. I think the kids mostly care about the cupcakes, but for me, it's nice to have ALL my children in one spot. I know that sounds so weird. It even sounds weird when I say it, because really. . .she's not there. Just her body is. She's probably with us more at other times, but maybe seeing her name there and my kids being there as well it seems like we're all together. I look forward to the day when we're REALLY all together.

Happy Birthday DeLanee! I'm so proud of you and will always feel so blessed to have been touched by your life. We are so blessed to have had you come to our family and feel of your presence and have you strengthen us the way you have.